How to Improve Self-Esteem

When we need to evaluate another person, we usually don’t have much difficulty. We can see their qualities, their strengths and weaknesses. It’s not hard for us to say what kind of self-esteem they have.

Psychologist Natalia Vovk, director of the Tomalogy Center — a center for self-discovery and development — shared with VITAGURU the signs of low and inflated self-esteem and offered several important tips.

“A person with inflated self-esteem is often said to have an excessive ego. Why? Most likely because they ignore other people’s boundaries, easily violate them, and don’t consider the feelings of others or the consequences of their actions and words for themselves and those around them. For the person themselves, everything might seem fine, but from the outside, it would be good if they were more attentive, softer, and more sensitive to others’ needs.

Such behavior affects not only relationships but also the results of joint efforts,” the specialist explains.

Low self-esteem indicates a biased attitude toward oneself — the person may be overly demanding of themselves and overly focused on gaining others’ approval at the expense of their own interests.

“Such a person usually has difficulty saying ‘no’, is sensitive and emotionally vulnerable. More often than not, they link failures or mistakes to themselves, punishing themselves for imperfect actions, thoughts, or feelings. They may be excessively self-critical.

Of course, even they reach a boiling point — they explode, disregarding others’ feelings, may get into conflicts, or express emotions vividly, only to later shift focus back on themselves, blaming themselves for acting out: ‘How could I allow myself to do that? What do others think of my emotional outburst?’” — explains the psychologist.

Healthy self-esteem is the golden middle — when a person can acknowledge their strengths and recognize their mistakes not as a sign of failure or inadequacy but as an understanding of their current capabilities and limitations.

“A person with adequate self-esteem can recognize and accept facts. By dealing with facts — without distortion — they retain a constructive ability to understand what they need to work on, and what they should learn. They are aware of what they definitely won’t do and what they won’t agree to.

This person accepts challenges and their consequences. They neither hide nor seek the spotlight. They can openly tell others about their feelings and perspective on a situation while respecting the right of others to have their own views. They’re willing to cooperate, understanding that a single opinion rarely reflects the full picture,” says Natalia Vovk.

The key: start with the right attitude toward yourself, your thoughts, and your feelings.

“Whatever happens to us — externally or internally — is a fact that shows what is real at this moment. Don’t rush to conclusions like ‘I’m a bad (or good) person.’ We are always changing!

This kind of interaction with oneself allows us to begin realistically assessing our capabilities and limitations without self-sabotage. Limitations are not a sign of failure, but an indication that we don’t yet know or haven’t yet learned something — and if we need to, we can learn it. Eventually, these limitations can become new opportunities,” the specialist explains.

Learn to express your perspective using “I-statements”

“This is a necessary skill! Other people weren’t born to make our lives difficult — though it might feel that way at times. They are not against us, they’re just for themselves. Express your understanding through I-statements.

One important point: when we hear a you-statement directed at us, notice how something inside contracts. That’s due to the fear of judgment, which takes root in early childhood. But we can grow out of it through conscious effort. To do this, be present in communication — stay mentally in the here and now, without getting lost in thoughts about the past or future. Then you can remind yourself that no matter how someone expresses their opinion, it is not personally directed at you. Then you can ask the other person not to talk about you, as their opinion is subjective — instead, they can describe the situation, share what concerns them, and how they see possible solutions, rather than commenting on you as a person,” says Natalia.

And most importantly: don’t strive for perfectionism

“Stop obsessively aiming for impossible perfection! It drains your energy rather than adding to it,” the psychologist advises.