How to Stop Putting Life on Hold

Have you ever found yourself walking down the street, doing your usual tasks, or just doing nothing, when suddenly a question pops into your head: “Am I really living my life?” Often we catch ourselves thinking, “When that turning point happens, then I’ll really start living—I’ll buy, achieve, travel, etc.—but for now, I just need to endure, work harder, invest more, and wait.”

This phenomenon is known in psychology as the “deferred life syndrome”, says psychologist and psychotherapist Tatiana Pechalova, who practices positive and transcultural psychotherapy.

The past can only be let go of, the present lived, and the future created.

“This syndrome is the belief—often subconscious—that one is not yet living their real life, but merely preparing for it. Such a person has a specific plan for how to arrive at their true life, and a list of conditions that must be met first,” the psychologist explains.

According to Pechalova, the roots of the deferred life syndrome lie in family concepts and life scripts shaped by cultural and historical influences.

Young people and teenagers often have a clear plan for the next 10–15 years: finish school, enter university, get a degree, land a good job, maybe get married and have children—and then… nothing. There’s no clear idea of what to do next.

Many of us have likely heard phrases like:

• “Once you turn 18, you can do whatever you want.”

• “So what if you’re 18—finish university first, then you can fool around.”

• “Start earning money first, then think about having a family.”

• “Have your own kids first, then we’ll talk.”

“At first glance, such phrases seem motivating, pushing us to achieve more. But in reality, they lay the foundation for the deferred life syndrome,” says Pechalova.

As adults, people raised with such beliefs often live in constant anticipation of some pivotal event—one that will finally allow them to relax and start living how they truly want to. But that moment either never arrives or, when it does, nothing fundamentally changes.

So what characterizes deferred life syndrome?
It’s when a single future event takes on an exaggerated importance, and you believe it will change everything:

• Once I lose weight…

• As soon as I make a million, then…

• Once the kids are grown…

• When I get this mole removed, then my personal life will improve…

• Once we buy the apartment, car, summer house—then we can finally relax…

“The truth is that life consists of countless factors: individual traits, environment, relationships, and the events that happen to us. A single event, no matter how important, rarely changes everything or grants us a carefree ‘real’ life. When we realize this, disappointment sets in—and soon, a new ‘goal’ arises, that will supposedly change everything… and the cycle continues,” says the psychologist.

In reality, the future will likely resemble the present—because the only moment in which we can truly be self-aware is the present. Which means the only time we can truly influence and manage our lives is now.

Putting life on hold for “later” is completely irrational—because “later” doesn’t exist. And therefore, it can never actually happen.

“Only the present gives us the power to choose and to act,” Pechalova emphasizes.

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How to Stop Putting Life on Hold

• Realize that every present moment is life. The future doesn’t exist—only the present does. What would you like to fill your present with?

• Do what you can, with what you have, where you are (c). Look around you. What surrounds you? What opportunities can you use right now? Seize them. Enjoy the process.

• Stop devaluing your life. Real life is not worse than the one you dream about—it might even be better.

• Don’t ignore the journey in pursuit of the outcome.

• Start using and enjoying the things you’ve been saving for “someday”: eat from the fancy dinnerware, wear the special-occasion dress, go on that long-awaited trip just because—not to celebrate a project milestone. Eat your favorite ice cream, open that bottle of expensive wine, etc. Let any day be a special one—for no reason at all.

• Imagine the future doesn’t exist. Now is the best time for everything you’ve dreamed of. Start acting on it immediately.

• Surround yourself with care and support—both friendly and professional. Be around people who make you feel safe and comfortable, not those who make you feel like you’re constantly in debt to them.

Your life is real—and it’s happening right now.
Own it.
Allow yourself to live and feel every moment of it.