Dispute with a loved one: strategy and rules

Disputes in relationships are inevitable. How to defend your point of view and not lose a loved one? We’ve gathered some interesting tips from a certified psychologist, Eli Finkel, who wrote the acclaimed best-selling book «The All-or-nothing Marriage: How the Best Marriages Work».

Interdependence

According to the author, the main rating scale for any conflict in the family is the so-called «conflict interdependence». This term includes a certain degree of involvement that determines the return on both sides. Seems complicated? Eli offers to understand it by the example of buying an apartment for cohabitation. One side wants renovated housing, the other prefers to do it on their own to save money. Here is the tangible conflict. All parties understand that it is necessary to make a mutual decision, otherwise the deal will not take place at all, and this is a great example of interdependence. In order to move the situation from a dead point, you will have to conduct a dialogue, find a compromise and be flexible. You can’t solve this conflict with ordinary scandal, so a dispute till hysteria will only lead to a breakup. So in disputes with a high degree of interdependence, from the very first steps it is necessary to engage the voice of reason, analyzing the possible consequences for both sides.

No compromise?

It is another matter when it comes to disputes with zero interdependence, for example, when one of the parties categorically refuses to wash the dishes, although this was discussed. Obviously, there can be no compromise in such a conflict, right? However, for such a situation, Dr. Finkel also has a solution. He proposes to increase interdependence, that is, to transfer the dispute from the plane «you must» to «we can handle it». Eli explains: «Healthy conflicts are those that are temporary obstacles, not competition. The idea is that in dispute you should try to build on the «interdependent» perspective. Therefore, arguing with your loved one, decide for yourself what exactly you are seeking – to break the partner or to agree in the end.

Perfect partnership

You will be surprised, but a common cause of dispute is that we are subconsciously looking for that very perfect soul mate. This can be attributed to the category of fatal thinking, when the selected object must a priori possess the necessary qualities. But the reality is different, and the ideal partner is the one who has learned to be one. Yes, partnership is a lifelong learning experience. The ability to avoid disputes comes with time, as does the «half-word understanding». Therefore, if you are a fatalist and believe that there should be no conflict with the ideal partner because of the perfect compatibility of characters and the right choice, your path is fundamentally different from those who are willing to experiment, learn and develop relationships.

Just imagine that there might not be an ideal choice. Then incredible opportunities open up where your emotions can pass the test of flexibility and stability. You yourself will construct ideal relationships that are formed from disputes, compromises and the search for mutual solutions. Try this strategy so as not to lose your loved one and create a strong union.