How to Learn to Say “No”: Tips from a Psychologist

The art of saying “no” is an essential social skill that everyone should master. It helps conserve your energy and allows you to set healthy personal priorities.

The inability to refuse often leads to negative consequences, so it’s important to learn how to say “no” tactfully and respectfully.

There are times in life when people say “yes,” even though they wish they could say “no.” Why does this happen?

Psychologist Natalia Vovk, director of the “Tomalogy Center” for self-awareness and development, shared her insights with VITAGURU on how to master the art of refusal.

When is it time for someone to start saying “no”?

“When a person realizes that they are not receiving the understanding they need from others, or when they feel used, taken advantage of, or that their kindness and willingness to please are being exploited, it’s time to learn to say ‘no.’ Essentially, when the return from others is less than the energy and care you invest in them,” explains the psychologist.

But is this really the case?
“Everything starts in childhood. A child is surrounded by people from an early age – first parents, then peers in kindergarten or school. The child begins to recognize that approval is preferable to criticism. It’s not that they consciously realize this, it’s more of an experience-based understanding: if you’re obedient, the parents reward you with something sweet or a toy; if you’re disobedient, there’s some kind of limitation or punishment. This is how the foundations of conformity or non-conformity are formed.

A conformist is usually an obedient child who is oriented towards authority figures. They understand social rules well and generally accept them, avoiding conflict. They try to fix things quickly if a conflict arises, in order to regain the approval of others.

A non-conformist, on the other hand, says “no” to everything. They don’t avoid conflicts, and may even provoke them. It seems like they don’t care about what others think, as if they’re independent from the opinions of others, and so on. But both approaches, in one way or another, are focused on others rather than understanding oneself in the situation,” explains Natalia Vovk.

“When a person becomes an adult and more self-aware, they begin to realize that what once felt comfortable – saying ‘yes’ to everything – no longer provides inner peace. Instead, it causes discomfort and even frustration. The key moment is when they recognize whether this discomfort is because of others or due to their own internal limitations. If they believe it’s due to others, they may enter into open or silent confrontation. But if they realize it’s their own limitation – formed almost unconsciously – they can start to examine themselves and the beliefs that support this limitation, and begin to express themselves differently,” continues the psychologist.

What is the limiting factor that makes it difficult to say “no”?
“The desire to be liked, the fear of trouble, the fear of losing a job, relationships, or a partner. Deep down, we fear that saying ‘no’ will change the existing dynamic, and we will lose what we value: the people who are used to us saying ‘yes’ even at our own expense might turn away from us. This is what we have been afraid of for a long time, but it usually doesn’t reflect reality.

Another important point is that if a person always says ‘yes,’ or always says ‘no,’ it reflects an imbalance, where one part of the personality is well-developed, and another is underdeveloped. For a balanced life, both ‘yes’ and ‘no’ are equally important, without fear of self or ego inflation. This can only happen when a person makes decisions based on their true self and understanding. This requires self-awareness,” explains Natalia Vovk.

How to learn to say “no” and “yes” at the right time?
Take responsibility for your “yes” and “no.” Others are never responsible for our actions or words. Our behavior is a result of our beliefs, values, motives, and understanding. If something isn’t working for you, it means there is something you still don’t understand about yourself. Now is a great opportunity to learn and change.

Be mindful in moments when you agree to something or refuse something. Recognize the limiting factors. Strengthen your understanding that many of your fears have no real basis and are simply the result of imagined horrors.

Start working consciously on your dependency on others’ opinions of you. This is an important and necessary step that will “untie” many knots in your relationships.

Take the risk to say “no” based on understanding your needs, not out of fear or pressure.

Don’t escalate the situation. Avoid the imagined horrors in your mind. By saying “no,” you are expressing your understanding of the situation, which you communicate to the other person. You understand things this way, and you have the right to choose what is best for you, and to say it openly. This won’t make others turn away from you.

“Don’t try to solve your entire life in one moment, with one action, or with one word. Deal with life moment by moment, discovering new sides of yourself, your possibilities, your relationships, and others. Life is an exciting adventure!” advises the psychologist.